Pulp Lizard

    Hello cupcake!

What a drag the economy has been, huh?  My head wants to explode and I don’t want to think about my shrinking 401K.

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged.  I know, I need to update this puppy.  I love writing here because it’s like a virtual diary.  Duh, Lizard, it is a virtual diary!  I was reading some past blogs and I think it’s been about a year since I wrote something meaningful.

Where was I a year ago?  I was working for a great company and partying like a rock star.  Now it seems that all the party people are depressed. 

Here are my thoughts on recent events.  And I have to warn you, I am very opinionated and unafraid of speaking out.  And if you are a music and film lover, chances are, you are not going to like my opinions on politics.

Speaking of . . . most who know me personally are familiar with the fact that I swing on the conservative side of the political pendulum.  I have pretty liberal tastes when it comes to film and music, but that’s about it.  I reserve that kind of liberalism for that medium. And in my personal and professional life, I’m pretty plain Jayne.

So I don’t want to scare you away by bashing Obama.  First of all, it’s not my style to be a complete asshole.  I can be a douche, true, but deep inside I think he means well.  But as a fiscal conservative, I cringe at the words “bail out”.  And I wonder how so-called “intellectuals” who went to Harvard and Yale have no common sense.  Even George W. Bush failed in this department.  Tsk, tsk!  So to me, when I read the papers (NY Times, Washington Post, etc.) I can’t help but think that the future looks very bleak.  So much for “hope”.  Hope is just an empty word.  What we need is a plan.  Here’s my plan . . . cut taxes and leave the people alone!  Government cannot solve our problems!  I don’t want to be like Cuba or Venezuela or even France! 

Okay so that was my political rant.

On the entertainment side . . . did you guys see the Oscars?  WTF?!  Why did Penelope Cruz win for Best Supporting Actress?  I saw Vicky Christina Barcelona and she wasn’t even good enough for a Golden Globe nom.  I’m trying to think if it could be some kind of political move.  Maybe they had to have a Latina in there just to make it even . . . kind of like affirmative action for award ceremonies.  Or maybe it was a make-up award. 

In even more dyer news, the self-proclaimed “revolutionary” Sean Penn won for best actor.  I’m too pissed (still) to go there, but I will say that Mickey Rourke was ROBBED!

But thankfully, there were some great moments like the late Heath Ledger winning for Best Supporting Actor.  It was truly deserved and yes, even if he were still alive, he would have gotten it. 

And finally Kate Winslet took home the little golden man.  She is too precious.

And congratulations for the little movie that did, Slumdog Millionaire!  Yeah, proving that movies with colorful dance and music scenes are extremely cool.  So you can take your secret collection of “The Golden Age of Ballywood” out of the fireproof safe in the back of your closet and proudly display them next to your Apitow collection.  You are so cool; I want to be you right now.

What am I talking about?  I think it’s time to end this conversation and sign out.

And if you don’t hate me yet, thank you . . . come again!

    Yes I am and as fierce as ever.   I am sorry I was gone so long. I missed you!  Did you miss me?  No? Well, fu*#! you then!

This is an exciting time for me.  I covered AFI back in April and that went very well.  I  have done some more interviews and movie reviews.  I love going to the movies.  And I ask people that when I’m getting to know them.  “Do you like going to the movies.”  And it seems like a basic question, but people always look at me funny.  I am a movie geek.  Not a movie geek who studies and memorizes every actor and director to show off, but a geek who just loves to go.  If I learn something on the way, then good for me.  But I have learned a lot though out these damn years.  I can quote lines, recognize actors’ voices, tell you who slept with who and what movie they fell in love in.  I’m not an elitist though and I never will be.  I will leave that for the skinny white men with thin rimmed glasses and names like Dexter George or Angelo Tsunami . . . I don’t know that’s just what popped in my head.

So last night I interviewed a TV and film actor named Drew Waters.  And I guess it opened my eyes to how lucky people have to be to get into the biz.  You either have to have connections or good-looks and if you have both, then honey, you’ve won the jack pot.  Drew happened to have a little of both.  Plus, I’ve seen some of his work and he is talented.  He also has other things to offer like the ability to do stunts.  Me, what do I have to offer? I guess stuffing your face with Dunkin Donuts at 7 in the morning doesn’t count as a talent.  But if it does . . . in the future, I mean, please casting directors . . . I do glazed and chocolate at the same time.  It’s pretty gross, you’ll be impressed.

Anyway, my plan is to keep posting stuff to this blog.  I like blogging.  It gives me a chance to vent a little.  It’s like a diary everyone can see.  So if you’re reading this and you happen to be a recruiter for a job (yes because I am looking for a job at the moment), well, I’m sorry, what can I say?  Have you seen my resume?

  I always hear the following question: “Remember when SNL was funny?”.  It seems that the NBC Live skit show Saturday Night Live (SNL) had a hard time finding the next Steve Martin, Adam Sandler or Will Ferrell.  It’s not easy harvesting both comedic talent and sharp relevant writing skills these days.  The new generation seems, at best, Internet savvy but severely under-qualified to be a jack-of-all-trades.

After Ferrell left the show in 2002, we only had Tracy Morgan to look up to.  Some of the newcomers like Jimmy Fallon did not leave a lasting impression, in fact, bland performers like Fallon only made us realize that hey, people like Ferrell and Molly Shannon were, indeed, kick ass.

 Personally, I stopped watching after Ferrell left and noted with chagrin some gruesome episodes where Fallon and Horatio Sanz struggled constantly not to laugh at their own rodomontaded skits.  Yeah, and that’s the element that bothered me the most, I hated seeing them constantly break out of character. 

But thank God SNL is getting better.  And who do we have to thank?  Justin “effing” Timberlake!  A singer . . . a dancer!  I think “Dick in a Box” has become a song we all know and love.  In America it was a hit, around the world, people were Youtube-ing it.  But I don’t give Timberlake all the credit, after all the goofy-looking, Sandler-wannabe, Andy Sanberg helped write the song too.  And now the universe is whole again. 

 Lorne Michaels can rest for a little while knowing that Sanberg, Bill Hader, Kristen Wiig and Jason Sudeikis are actually funny (and funny-looking). 

I’m not completely convinced that these newbies will become comedic gems, but at least their skits don’t kick us in the jewels.

  So I finally saw the thing last night.  The thing being the movie.  Let me take you through my emotions . . . bored . . .  confused . . . impressed . . . scared . . . excited . . . bored (all in that order).

I will say that the movie was a lot better than I expected.  Javier Bardem was the best part of the it and did deserve the Oscar.  But I knew this before I watched it.  Anyway, I think the most impressive element, besides Bardem, was the camera work (editing also) and the cinematography.  Man, there were some amazing shots in the desert, with animals that gave me chills.  I mean, to the untrained eye, it’s just barren and strange, but to me, it was almost like seeing a Hitchcock film for the first time. 

Spoiler Alert!!!! If you haven’t seen this movie, but plan on seeing this movie, maybe you shouldn’t read this:

I have to be honest and say, I didn’t like the beginning.  But maybe I can go back and watch it again with a different set of eyes, now that know what happens.  I guess my only complaint was that it was kind of slow and lacked explanation.

 But from the time Bardem gets gas and freaks that old man out, to the assassination of the James Brolin character, man that movie had me holding my pee.  Then I thought, fudge, I have a pause button!  Bardem is of course the dark horse of the movie.  He is a void, kind of like a shark–a killing machine with glassy eyes.  But he has character and you want him to realize the err of his ways. 

I talked to a friend who said he was rooting for Bardem . . . all the way dude!  But that must be a guy thing, because I was rooting for Brolin.  His country accent was kinda sexy wasn’t it?  And he was so sure that he was going to keep the money and kill the bastard! 

The ending left us with so many questions.  And I guess I wasn’t enthused because it ended with Tommy Lee Jones and I’m not a big fan.  I mean, he’s a good actor and all, but every time I see him on screen, I suddenly get sleepy.  Plus, I don’t think his character added much to the story.  I know some of you may disagree, but I think if the Coen’s would have left him out, it would have been a little cleaner.  But hey, it’s their movie not mine.  Maybe they owed him a favor.

I’m actually glad I didn’t do an official review of this film.  It is too complex for me right now.  Did it deserve an Oscar?  I’d say, maybe.  I wasn’t impressed enough to give it so much credit.  I’m not saying that it wasn’t a good movie, I guess I just felt unsatisfied. 

    I wish I had gas. Ha, ha. But seriously, I went to pump some during my lunch and thought “oh shit, I’m pumping premium!” But noooo! It was regular. I paid $3.09 per gallon at the cheap place. The place where a lady can get raped or assaulted. I risked my life to get cheap gas but the cheap gas wasn’t there.

My whole clock is off though. The time changed and I was robbed of an hour of sleep. And I am nervous about my SXSW thing this week. Oh, wait and add the fact that this is the last week I’ll be working at my current job and, nope, don’t have anything lined up. Dear reader (s), I am just tired. Not tired of working, just tired of doing what I don’t want to do. I heard a DJ on the radio this morning talk about people and their jobs. That people who are passionate about their jobs would do it for free. Yeah, I think that’s true. It’s true because when I’m writing for my site or doing my podcast, I’m so effing happy. I mean, I can’t wait until Thursday night. And I can’t wait for my next interview or movie review. So I’m kinda trying to turn this into a career. I think I’ve come to the point where I am hungry to make something happen.

So what happened last week? I got strep. It was pretty bad and I was tirada for two days. I couldn’t talk and I had a high fever. But the good thing is I think I lost about 10 lbs.! So my goal is to look super hot by summertime and maybe someone will have to hire me. Maybe a really hot boss (who’s in his 40s) that likes PYTs hanging around his office making coffee and googly eyes.

Here’s to another crappy week!

  Our next President could very well be either a woman or African-American.  Personally, I don’t think it matters what sex or color you are.  I am one of those rare creatures who looks at the issues.  But I’m not saying I’ll vote Republican this time either.

It’s just difficult to choose.  If Hilary wins, we kinda know what we’re going to get.  It can’t be worse than Bill.  In fact, I think Hilary wears the balls in her family.  She is a tough-as-nails lady who doesn’t put up with crap (except her husband’s indescretions).  But who cares?  At least we know she has some kind of experience and maybe she learned from her mistakes, if not, then we’re in deep shi*!

Obama on the other hand, is a fresh face.  He get’s the crowd motivated and his profit-like aura, is what the people seem to want.  But I just don’t see what all the fuss is about.  He doesn’t have that much expreience, but maybe that’s a good thing.  He hasn’t been as corrupted as the others.  But is that what we want?  Some guy who spews pretty words but we don’t know what we’ll get?

 And on the Republican side, I heart Huckabee.  I think he has some great ideas on health care and taxes (especially the dreaded payroll tax).  Yes, I will vote for anyone who says they’ll get rid of the payroll tax.  I like that he is pro-life and kind of a funny guy.  You know I have a soft spot for the underdog. 

I’m not too crazy about McCain.  I think he has his finger on the button.  I respect him as a war vet but I don’t think he’s unique enough to win the Presidential Elections.

The future president needs to be someone who is unique and respected.  Oh and someone we can make fun of.  I think Democrats had their fill of Bush jokes (especially on SNL) and now it’s Repubican’s turn to join in on the slapstick. 

    Studio execs were hoping that the nettlesome writer’s strike wouldn’t spill onto the red carpet event.  But this was the time for writers to send their FUs to the big bad corporate bosses by showing them how truly valuable they are.  Did the stars sparkle?  Did the jokes make us laugh?  Did Jennifer Hudson look a little squeezed in that dress?  Yes, yes and oh, hell-to-the yes!

But even though everything seemed to be in place, the show was, eh, in my opinion, not the big comeback I was hoping for.

Maybe my expectations were too high, but I did hear on the radio this morning that the 80^th Annual Oscar show had the lowest ratings ever.  Now if I were the ABC Czar, (who is that now, still the devil-in-Prada Michael Eisner?) I would have had started with a triple-old-school-threat like Crystal, Goldberg and Williams.  I would have had the big Hollywood stars reenact scenes from favorite past Best Picture winners.  And to really get the FCC sweating, I would have snuck in a Justin Timberlake number with dancing big booty girls and a helicopter with sirens and lights.

I’m not saying that the show was horrible.  I did like John Stewart.  His lissome humor was the comic relief Hollywood needed.  Finally, they could laugh at the nightmare that was the writer’s strike.  Sporting their Marchesa gowns and Dolce and Gabbana tuxedos, the overpaid actors sat back and indulged in self-importance and perdurable praise.  Ah, La Vie en Rose once again!

And now I’m going to use my blogger friend’s (Al) The Good, The Bad and The Ugly review format.

The Good

John Stewart, as I mentioned before, was funny with his zingers and added his brand of political humor.

“The fight is over. So tonight, welcome to the makeup sex.”

“Democrats do have an historic race going. Hillary Clinton vs Barack Obama. Normally, when you see a black man or a woman president an asteroid is about to hit the Statue of Liberty. How will we know it’s the future? Silver unitards, that can’t be all?” ” Even Norbit got a nomination, which I think is great.  Too often, the academy ignores movies that aren’t good.” 

Another highlight for me was Diablo Cody (freakin sweet name!) winning Best Original Screenplay for Juno.  The ex-stripper sauntered up to the stage to receive her little, bald, golden man.  That must have been more gratifying than [insert punch line here].  And let me tell you “home skillits” I love that movie! 

Next, Javier Bardem winning Best Supporting Actor for his creepy role in No Country for Old Men and his joke about the haircut.  Yeah, we know, you looked like Dora the Explorer.  But I’ve been waiting for this guy to get noticed for a while.  So don’t you gringos think you discovered him first!  I was enchanted with this dude when he was in a critically acclaimed movie Jamon, Jamon(he played El Chorizo). I’m wagging my finger at you! 

I also would like to add that John Stewart escorting winner for Best Original Song, Market Irglova, so she could finish her speech was not only gentlemanly of him, but the “feel good”  moment of the night.

Helen Mirren .

The Bad

Ellen Paige not winning in the Best Actress category.  It looks like now I have to watch La Mome.  Did anyone outside of France even see that movie? 

Atonement taking away only one award.   I guess that the whole “if they win the Golden Globes, they can’t win the Oscar” rule still applies.

Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill’s (Superbad) matching geek glasses and Jewfros, and they took it too far with the ongoing Hallie Berry joke. 

Rebecca Miller’s (wife of Best Actor Winner Daniel Day Lewis) gaud-awful dress.  It was just a bad use of left over Christmas tree bows. 

The Ugly

And speaking of gaud-awful dresses, why didn’t anyone send Jennifer Hudson the “you can’t wear white if you’re large”  or the “you can’t wear white after Labor Day” memos? She should have consulted Clay Aiken (gay) or Simon Cowell (diva) before she voted on that dress.  

In conclusion

I can go on and on but you already had to sit through the four hours of show.  So, like when the Cowboys lost their final game (and didn’t go to the Superbowl), I say, there is always next year.   

Oh, does anyone care that No Country for Old Men won Best Picture?

      I grew up pretty much surrounded by the Mexican culture. When I got home from school, my mother made sure I didn’t forget my roots by talking to me in Spanish, showing me how to prepare Latin cuisine and sitting me in front of the TV to watch the latest novelas.

For those of you who are 100% Gringos and have never owned a TV set, a novela is a Mexican (or Spanish) soap that lasts about 6 months to a year. Usually, the heroine is a scantily clad babe with huge breasts and more make-up and fake hair than Jared Leto. The leading man is always a hot guy who conveniently takes his shirt off in every scene. Yes, I know it might seem a little too factitious, but trust me, 1 billion Mexicans can’t be wrong.

But Spanish television is more than titillation and hard-core drama. These shows allow us to see through a little window to the everyday social issues of Latinos. You still see a caste system that punishes the rich for falling in love with the poor. Everyone is relegated and find it hard to  penetrate the walls to another class, especially from poor to wealthy. Although it is not as strict as the caste system in, say, India, you still find that the rich look down on the poor and the poor think the wealthy are a bunch of thieves.

But back to the novelas. In Mexico, you have two dominating forces that control the media (I mean besides the government). Televisa is the powerhouse that is also the mother company of Univision. TV Azteca/Telemundo is just catching up with its more American-style shows. But the times, they are a-changing. Now novelas are trying to deal seriously with social issues such as homosexuality, poverty, government corruption, AIDS and out of marriage pregnancy. These were issues that were kept under the rug and never even hinted. But as society changes, so does the public’s demand for more reality TV. Telemundo, I think, is leading this front. I am currently watching a novela called Victoria, which stars novela legends Victoria Ruffo and Arturo Peninche. The story is about an older woman (in her 50s) who falls in love with a man who is barely in his 30s. In addition to the main plot, her kids deal with real issues like drugs, sex and handling a divorce. Surely, if there is a storybook ending, it will be a unique journey.

Novelas like Esmeralda, Mari Mar, and Camila are being updated to cater to the modern audience. Although I like the changes writers are making, I do miss that innocence that only Thalia, Angelica Maria and Pedro Armendariz exude.

   The highlight of my weekend was spending the day at the zoo with my daughter.  I know, maybe you think the zoo is a little lame, but when you’re a parent, all of the sudden it becomes this wonderful place to go.

I was so freakin’ cold yesterday but enjoyed watching  my daughter light up every time she saw a bird or elephant or lion.  I would say “how does the tiger go?” and she would growl.  Or “how does the owl go” and she would say “whoo, whoo.”  Yeah, I know, but I love it.  But the zoo actually did provide some adventure.  We saw the apes and it was a nice little area level to their area, so there was only glass separating us from the gorillas.  When I took my daughter down there I turned and saw a GIANT gorilla running towards the glass.  My first thought was “okay he’s (or she, I didn’t look) going to stop.  But he kept charging towards us.  I got scared and leaped back and the ape got right at the glass and stared at me.  It was SO FREAKY!!!  I was stunned.  But yeah, he or she was behind glass so we were safe.  But he started playing with us, running back and to the glass, looking at us in the eye and at one point, beat it’s chest and made strange gorilla noises.

I noticed that a lot of animals freak me out.  Alligators, spiders and anteaters are at the top of my “creepy” list.  My daughter seems to like snakes and birds.  Oh, and my husband was very excited to see the penguins.  Go figure.

 I hope this week will be a positive one.  And for those of you who listen to my Internet Radio Show each week, I have a special guest you will enjoy.

 Keep it reel!

    The writer’s strike has ended and so has my career at the infamous airline. So WTF am I suppose to do now?

It came as a total shock to me after four days of being sick. With my defenses low and the stress from work, it took a toll on my body. But I dealt with it the only way I know how, some R & R and a doctor’s visit. When I got back to my job, the big mean boss summoned me to his lair and told me “I wasn’t enthusiastic enough to work there anymore.” Oh, he tried to be nice about it by saying how much I have “contributed” to the company, but the bottom line was that I am getting the axe.

It is a strange feeling not being wanted. I have never experienced anything like this at any job. I thought that if you do your work well and don’t get into any trouble, you get to keep your job. But not here. Here you have to be an effing smiley-faced clown all the time. I’m not the only “shy” person in my department. Hell, some folks can barely speak English and they keep to themselves. At least I volunteered for many company activities. But no, I feel that there is some underlying reason that I don’t know of.

But, you know, everything happens for a reason. No matter how much I went above and beyond, it just wasn’t good enough. So maybe it’s the Man Upstair’s way of saying, hey it’s time for you to get a better job.

So what’s going on in the world of Entertainment? It seems a beagle won the Westminster Dog Show. He was the first beagle ever to win ‘Best-in-Show.’ Well at least one underdog was rewarded this week.